why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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