my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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