His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
