why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
