Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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