proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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