I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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