i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
