Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
