you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize