He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
