Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize