Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
