News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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