she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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