i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
