You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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