i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize