so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
