When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize