I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
