Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
