I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
