I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
