This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
