Got a toothbrush?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
