my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
