barbara walters just said penis...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
