the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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