I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
