Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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