Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
