i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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