Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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