im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
this hospital has no fireball
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
