I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
