he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I want to be your penis for a week.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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