These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
