I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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