I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I have demons in me.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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