i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
