so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
