I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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