I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We need to get me chipped asap
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
