Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
