I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
