Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
