Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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