Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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