Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
