Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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