if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
