Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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