I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
