hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
