U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
